also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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