Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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