If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
