Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
