kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
