Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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