glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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