I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
