Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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