I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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