i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
