guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
