I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
