I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
