That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
