You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
