after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
