Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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