I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
