Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
