I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
