I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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