I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
This is the high leading the old right now
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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