Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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