My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
