If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
