Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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