the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
