The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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