I'm pants shitting drunk right now
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
