I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
