It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
