Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I CAN MOONWALK!
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
