I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
