Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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