God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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