you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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