The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
