my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
he fucked my hip out of place.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
