Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
