Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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