broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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