I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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