hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
