You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
