I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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