I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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