I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
