I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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