we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
