The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
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