every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
