I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
