glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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