i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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